Mass Shootings Take a Day Off, Stun America

( Amidst the indictments and murders and muggings and firings and wildfires and arrests and accidental racism and sports highlights and celebrity gossip, a truly profound event happened last month that went almost unnoticed by the press.

Unnoticed, that is, except for Buck Bomhower, editor of the Better Bunker Times.

“We usually do a ‘mass murder of the day’ feature on our website, highlighting the previous day’s mass shootings, mass vehicular homicides, mass chainsawings, that sort of thing,” Editor Buck said. “It’s not to glamorize it or anything, mind you, but more to point out how dangerous these times are.

“Dangerous to the point where you should be constantly bulk buying guns, ammo, shelf-stable foods, and other prepper equipment. All of which are available on Mention Bucky sent you and get 10% off our Zombie Napalm, all sizes!”

“So anyways, I get to 4/20/23 and start looking through the news, and I go ‘huh’. There weren’t no mass murderings on 4/19/23. Not a one. Tell me that’s not weird,” Editor Buck said.

Mass shooting free

A quick check of the headlines for that day confirm what Buck Bomhower found: there was not a single case of mass shootings in the U.S. on April 19th, 2023 (a Wednesday). A deeper dive into databases that track such events found something even more astonishing: it was the first such day – one without a U.S. mass killing – since August 4, 1977.

When news of this aberration broke earlier this week, many Americans expressed shock that such a thing could happen HERE. Some gun shops immediately launched “4/19: Never Forget!” sales, slashing the price of their existing stock and sending gun manufacturers into frantic 24/7 production.

“If I have to take a loss on every gun in here, so be it. This is the U.S. of goddamn A, goddamn it,” said Eliot Franklin to the applause of the customers crowded into his Franklin’s Fun & Frugal Firearms store.

Members of the GOP-led House of Representatives promised a swift series of hearings to “look into these Fed-baked milquetoast numbers,” while their colleagues across the aisle started drafting legislation to celebrate this “once in a lifetime” event with a federal holiday, tentatively to be called “Misfire Day.”

Meanwhile, gun rights organizations are vowing to take steps to assure that 4/19 never happens again.

“We’re watching the news, every day. We’re watching the clock, every day. 11:45 pm hits and it’s ‘Breaking News’-free? We’re standing by. We’re standing ready,” said Norm Putnam, leader of the Idaho-based Armed Sovereign Shooters club.

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